2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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