I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
