I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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