if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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