if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
