I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
