textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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