Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
