dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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