Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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