I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
