masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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