Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Randomize
