he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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