so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
