The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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