I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
