Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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