Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize