I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just high enough for therapy.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
