seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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