i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
