i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Someone signed my nipple.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
