I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
