The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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