i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
