you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
