Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize