take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
