Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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