Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
