I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
