I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Boobs are out for the taking
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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