Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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