I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
