I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
