Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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