My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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