I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
