umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
