I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
