I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
