i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
