just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
