Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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