U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
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