Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
