between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
