He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
