i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
