I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
well you can't waste a boner
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
