Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
