Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize