You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
