Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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