i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
